The End....

     Wow, how do I start to write the beginning of the end of this blog???  Well, if you look back to my first post, it was the day before summer started, so I thought it would be appropriate to end it the day before summer ends, and fall officially starts.  I can't really say it flew by, because so much has happened in the last three months, it almost seems like an eternity in some ways;  In other ways it felt like an out of body experience, and that I just woke up from a dream, like Alice in Wonderland;  Who are all these characters and where was I?
     So, let's take a minute to recap what's happened.  As of today's actual date, it's been 145 days since my husband of 15 years left me to move in with Bambi, but who's counting!  It put me on an emotional rollercoaster like I had never been before.  I mourned like there had been a death in the family.  I had good days and I had bad ones.  Music became my companion and inspiration to get me through the day;  Writing became my tool to survive, my therapy.  Without the combination of both, I'm not sure I could have made it this far, this fast.  I'm not sure I meant for my life to become a social experiment of self-exploration, but it did, and I brought a lot of people along for the ride, including you...
     My thesis began to take shape accidently.  I was sad, lonly, bored, and in an altered mental state.  Some of the things I did, even as I'm writing this, I can't believe really happened- and it's all true, even tamed down to avoid to much TMI!!!  I drank too much, smoked too much, I didn't sleep enough, and I even ALMOST got arrested for a DUI, but even the officer felt bad for me, and drove me home when I told him my plight.  Although I sobbed, and fell on my face in my own driveway! (God must have been looking out for me that night).
     All along, the great thing was, that I had super supportive friends and family, (if you don't include my brother).  One thing I did, was to take the advice of one of my best guy friends from California;  He said the best way to get over someone, was to get under someone else!  I took his advice literally and ran with it!  I think maybe I thought I could learn to think like a guy, or at least understand them better.  I'm not sure I even came close to that, but I did learn a few things about men.  The main thing I learned is that guys in their 20's, and guys in their 30's and up, are worlds apart in the current generation gap.  I'm not even sure guys in their 20's even want a real girl, but rather an avatar they create!  They want sex, but not real sex.  They take safe sex to the next level.  They don't even really want to talk, less even than all men already do!  They want to talk dirty, but only with a keypad, and they want to see you naked, but only in picture form, and yes, they want to cum, but you know how they take care of that!  Oh, and they would gladly send you a video of that too, weather or not it's requested!  I don't think they get that women don't get off on that as much as they do.  On the other hand, guys in their 30's and up have come a long way in their texting, sexting, Facebooking, IMing, & Skyping, etc.;  But when it comes down to it, they still want to get laid, and will actually pick up the phone and call you when they want to do so, the rest of it is to appease them in between actual sex!  So, what we learned here ladies, is what we already knew- that guys think with their dick, they just go about it in different ways!
     Now for my personal recap;  Humm, where to begin and where to end...This blog hasn't exactly helped my love life, I'm still single, but, as my family and friends remind me, I should be, because it's only been 5 months since my husband and I broke up, and I should be having fun and enjoying myself, just be safe and smart about it.  I've actually had at least 3 or 4 girlfriends tell me they have been living vicariously through me!  I'm flattered they find my life so exciting.  I have had a lot of fun, and some great lifelong memories.  Oh, the stories I will have to tell when I am old!  I got to booty dance with my 23 year old teenage dream, make love out of town to my 27 year old sexting lover;  And I met two really great guys, who both have a lot of relationship potential.  They are part of the reason I am ending this blog tonight.  I have personally come as far as I can with this, and they don't need or deserve to read about my sexual escapades with them or anyone else.  All men probably want to believe we girls are all at home waiting for them, even if the're out screwing someone else every other night, until they put a ring on it!  Men have not progressed as much into the 21th Century as woman have! LOL
     Anyway, if you read all the blog, you know I have much stronger feelings for one of these guys.  However, my friends feel I have never given the other guy a real chance, and some are even betting that I'll end up with him! So, maybe I need to re-evaluate the situation.  Hey, even girls have a weeding out process too!  I havn't "been with" either of these guys in almost 2 months, but I still talk to them both.  I definitly want my 80's John Cusack "Say Anything" moment, but in the 21th Century, I'll settle for a Facebook dedication and a relationship status change! LMAO
     So only time will tell, but whatever happens, it will be between me and him from now on, you will be left in the dark, only to guess what happens next...
     P.S.  If this was truly a thesis I'm sure I would get an "A".  Bahaha
     Love and kisses
     CC
    
    

Dirty Dancing-"I Had the Time of My Life"

     It continues to amaze me at how everything in my story/my life has become full circle.  My long summer love story ends as it all began, innocently.  My longtime friend Jillian really wanted to go out dancing, but like usual I had worked all day, and already had tenetive plans.
     At work, we found out that Gooses' stepdad had been admitted to the hospital, and of course I told her I would go if she needed me to.  On the other hand, my son was spending the night with Bunnis' son, and they were taking the kids with them to country music night and a friends house.  They urged me to go along too.  I had to drive to Bunnis' house anyway, and almost went...  While I was at Bunnis' I got a call from Goose letting me know everything was ok, and that she was already home from the hospital.  Then, I got another call from Jillian, who only lives two streets away from Bunni.  She reminded me that I hate country music and should go dancing with her, so I caved in!  So, I picked up Jillian and we were on the way.  Oh, I almost forgot, I also had tentive plans to meet Martin out, and texted him with our destination when it was finally set! (Even though it changed again, because we got a text from Jillians' friend that the new place we were going to go to sucked, and we decided to go to the usual place!) LOL
     So at last we arrived.  Jillian and I walkd over to say hi to her friend the DJ.   She introduced us, and he asked what we were drinking, (vodka and cranberry of course), and he signaled to the barteneder who comped us a drink.  Nice way to start the night, even though Bunni had given me some frozen concoction called a Painkiller earlier in the evening.  We chilled outside for a while and scoped out the scenery.  There was a super hot looking guy sitting all alone at the bar.  I offered considerately to Jillian to go to the bar to get our next round of drinks! LOL  I casually said hi to check him out, but he seemed more interested in his beer.
      Next we decided it was time to dance.  We went inside, and the problem was, there were very few people om the dance floor, just a couple of girls.  I said to Jillian, "no problem, let's get this party started"!  She followed me out and we started to shake it.  Not more than 5 minutes later the floor was packed.  I said, "I told you so".  A hot young blond girl named Savannah, came up to me and told me she loved my dancing and when she has a few more drinks she would be out there to join me!  The next thing I know, I see a young guy who looks just like my "hot guy from work".  Then his group is dancing right next to us, and holy shit, it is him!  First we ignore each other, then we headed outside for a smoke, and one of the girls in his group comes over to us to bum one.  I ask her if she is on a date with my hot guy, and she says, "No, a friend of a friend", and proceeds to call him over.  He says hi to me by name, and gives me a big hug, which made my night, because we have never touched before.  Just then Martin arrives, what timing!  He comes over to say "hi", and asks me if I got his text that he was on the way.  I told him "no, I was dancing", which was true.  He disappeared, and we went back to dancing.  I saw Martin a few times throughout the night and even talked to him near the dance floor.
     Later, Savannah, the girl from earlier, was now drunk enough to dance.  She asked me to dance with her and her friends, another girl and two guys.  They girls were all up on me, it was so funny.  I looked at my hot guy and just laughed.  I ended up dancing with hot guys girls next.  He came out to the dance floor, pretty buzzed by now, and danced between us all.  Next thing I know he is in front of me and my arm is around him.  Jillian pointed out that we were backwards and he got behind me and started to grind up on me.  OMG!  My fantasy boy toy was booty dancing with me!  I looked at my watch because it was almost closing time.  He pushed my arm down, and said not to look at the time, but I knew it was almost over, like Cinderella's ball.  He also told me that night that he was moving away,  but I now had my special moment for life with him, a memory I'll cherish forever, of the first person to help me grieve over the loss of the love of my life, my husband...
     Martin left and just told Jillian to tell me goodbye, that he was heading home.  Savannaha's group all gave me a hug goodbye, and my hot guys group ushered him out the door because he was pretty drunk, as for Jillian and I, we headed home, alone.  Actually, I went back to Bunni's house to crash because it was so close to Jillians'.  I was actually the first one back, and after raiding the frig and having one last smoke, I took her dog and cat with me, and went to crash out in one of her son's rooms who was away!  When I woke up in the morning, I had missed a text from my country boy Josh, asking, "You up?" So, till next time...Peace and love...xoxo CC
    

Real Sex- Take 1

     So, where do I begin?  If you read the earlier part of my story, you would know that I had a 27 year old sexting buddy named Josh.  We were pretty hot and heavy- on the phone!  He helped me safely explore my sexuality in ways that I never had before;  But he was only a picture, a voice, and a text.  I had never really met him, but I cared a lot about him because we had talked about our kids and lives.  Josh had gotten into a "real" relationship with a real live girl.  I was heartbroken, and knew our texting relationship had to end;  So it did...
     Several months later, I texted him to say, "Hi, how the hell have you been"?  He told me he had broken up with his girlfriend, and it started all over again! However, this time it was different.  I told him I couldn't do this again without knowing the real him.  I had to meet him, I had to know the real Josh, just for me.  I couldn't go through life and not know who he really was, no matter what the outcome was.  Now, I know this was a risk, because we had the perfect "fake" relationship.  He was my baby, and I was his hunni, with an "I". :)  He was my country boy and I was his city girl.  I told him that I would come to see him on my vacation, but then I told him that I couldn't wait that long- I had to meet him ASAP!  So, on a Saturday, a day that I worked all day, and was supposed to attend a friends' house warming party, I decided to make the 2 1/2hr trip to meet him!  I had told him I didn't care if we fell in love, or if it was just one night, that I had to know...It was just something I had to do!
     I stopped by my BFFs' house warming party on the way.  (She reads my blog and wished me well on my quest to find love again, and even gave me a box of condoms!) LMAO!  I got back on the interstate and was on my way again.  Josh and I texted the whole way there.  It seemed like an eternity!  I listened to CD's and smoked, due to nervousness, between texts!
     When I arrived at his exit I called him and we talked as he guided me the rest of the way to his house.  When I pulled into his driveway I paused for a minute to gain my composure.  He met me on his porch, and there we were...two strangers who already knew each other intimately.  We said, "Hi", "Hi", and smoked a cigarette before heading inside.  He had a football game on, and only a pair of pajama pants!  It was about 11:30pm.  We kissed hello and I cuddled into his arms.  He had piercings and a tatoo across his chest;  Strange for a country boy I do admit, but all the more exciting!  I ran my hand across his tatoo, and kissed his ear, neck and chest.  No, I didn't waste much time, but it was late, and we were tired, and I didn't go all the way there to sleep!  We went to his room soon after and "did it"!  We slept cuddled in each others arms for the rest of the night.  In the morning we did it once again.  Then we drank coffee and hung out on the porch and talked.  I smoked more than usual delaying my departure time.  I sat close to him, not really wanting to go yet, but I knew it would soon be time.  I knew what I had come to find out...I had found a friend, but not true love, but I was so glad I went;  It meant a lot to me to know the real him.  I hope we are friends forever...no regrets, no remorse;  Only a smile, a happy memory...
     He walked me to the car, and we hugged and gave each other a little kiss goodbye.  The long ride home went good.  I texted him once during the drive and then once again when I arrived back.  I think it totally changed the fantasy/dynamic, but it was real, and reality is important.  So, for now, real sex, that's a wrap...
     

Party in the Penthouse!

     Earlier in the week Jan invited T, Goose, and I to a dinner party at her pad.  We all said yes, of course.  I was told she had a beautiful condo on the intercostal.  It sounded like a perfect girls night!  The only problem I had was the fact it was only about 15minutes from the bar Steven owned...
     So, like usual, I worked all day, then went to pick up Goose at her place.  We chit chatted about this and that on the 30 minute or so drive there.  When we arrived, we had to go through a guard gate that required us to provide ID.  We were given direction to the building, and T met us outside for a smoke.  We walked to the building and took the elevator to the Penthouse floor.  Jan greeted us at the door and invited us in.  Her place was stunning!  Everything was perfect, just like a model unit.  Her sunroom wall was a huge hurricane proof sliding glass door overlooking the intercostal and the bridge.
     Jan was the perfect hostess.  She offered us drinks as soon as we got settled.  She made me a strong margarita. ( I actually had to ask for more mix, which she did not just add, she re-shook it!)  Goose chose white wine, T a mixed drink, and Jan sipped a martini.  She provided hors d'oeuvres, of course and looked beautiful in a long, loose, summer flowing dress, fitted up top, with her blond hair brushing across her shoulders.  I joked if she needed a roommate, I would be happy to move in!  (She was also recently seperated from her husband, like myself). 
     A little later she made me a second margarita, as well as the other girls a drink too.  We all sat in the sunroom chatting, which soon turned to girl talk and laughter as we all loosened up!  We spilled secrets and shared pics as we got our buzz on!
     A little while later Jan informed us that dinner was ready and we all converged at the dining room table.  The other girls were all drinking wine now, and I thought I should switch over too!  Jan poured me a large glass of white.  We ate and talked.  Dinner was delicious.  Afterwards, T and I offered to take Jan's little white dog out for a walk so we could sneak a smoke.  We headed down the elevator to the walkway around the pond.  I was pretty buzzed now... When we got back up to her unit I asked if they wanted to go with me to Stevens bar.  They said they were content to stay there.  I asked if they minded if I left for awhile.  They were buzzed too and dancing now, and just said to be careful!  I assured them I would be back in a couple of hours.  I texted Steven on the way to let him know that I was coming to say "Hi". 
     When I got to the bar, I walked in and slid into a seat next to a mafia type looking guy with his girl sitting on his lap!  I quickly chatted with her, and we hit it off.  The bartender, wearing a bikini, came over to me, smiled and got me a drink.  Steven and I saw each other across the bar and smiled.  He looked hotter to me than ever.  Just sooo sexy in his fitted cap and jeans!  He came over to say hi and make some small talk.  The place was smoky and loud music played;  I tapped my fingers along to the beat of the music on the bar.  The bikini bartender soon got me another drink (a stong one) and then one more too before closing!  She was really sweet to me!  Soon it was 2am and time to go.  I asked Steven to walk me to my car, which he did.  We hugged goodnight, and he sent me on my way, which was a good thing, caus I would have probably done him right there in the parking lot at that point! Haha LOL...
     Goose texted me, "Where the hell r u"?  I called her to let her know that I was on the way back.  I don't know how I made it back through the guard gate, to the building, up the elevator, and back inside, (and managed to text Steven to let him know I was back), before passing out on Jan's leather couch!  I woke up in a cold sweat and went to puke in Jan's perfect bathroom!  Damm!  Some people never learn! 
     Goose was gone, pissed at me again, I'm sure! (But hey, I've put up with a lot of her drunken shit in the past!)  She'll get over it...and I really wanted her to meet Steven;  She should've come with me!  Maybe next time!  LOL...:)

Why You SHOULD Sometimes Have SEX on the First Date!!!

     Now this is just a personal option- not based on any facts or surveys;  Nor am I an expert on the subject!  LOL:  But this is why I believe you should sometimes have sex on the first date, contrary to popular belief!   First of all, people know whether or not they have that initial animal attraction;  You either have it, or you don't, that simple.  So why wait till the 2nd or 3rd date if your just gonna do it anyway.  (Now if you're saving yourself for marriage or some other religious reason, then that is a different story).  But, for most people, you're just trying to be on your best behavior, not look too easy, or are playing hard to get.  But why?  If you're gonna fuck anyway- why wait?  You know you want to...
     Also, if you "do it" the first night you're not going to give too much thought about it.  It's going to be raw and real- you know what you're getting!  Now, if you wait, you have too much time to think about it.  You're going to have preconceived notions about how it should be, where it should be, what you're going to wear, how you should do it, what you shouldn't do, are you too fat, too skinny, not in good enough shape, do you like him/her enough, or should you even do it at all!  See what I'm saying?  It's probably not going to be as good as if you would have just done it!  So like Nike says-"Just Do It"!
     And guys, don't be so quick to judge!  Be happy you found a girl you're attracted to, and she actually wants you!!!  That doesn't make her a slut or ho;  She's no different than you.  Girls want and need sex too!
     My mom gave me the best advice, she said, "Be a lady in the street and a whore in the bedroom- and your man will be happy." :)  So, be safe, have fun and happy dating.  Hope you find the man or woman of your dreams, your soulmate, the love of your life.  Keep your eyes open, and your heart and soul too.  Put your fear aside and just go for it!  You only live once, and life is too short to miss out on love.
xoxoxoxox   CC

Sexy Salsa Dancing

     While the summer was winding down, another weekend was approaching.  Things were going pretty good.  I had got lucky on my birthday and won $600 on a slot machine the next day!  I was on friendly talking terms with my ex, and my son was spending weekends with him and Bambi.  I couldn't really complain much!
     Earlier in the week, a friend from work, Eva, and our mutual friend Maria, invited me to join them at a Salsa dance party Saturday night.  I said ok, probably, sure, why not...I honestly wasn't really looking forward to going, but, I had nothing better to do, so I said "what the hell"!
     On Saturday I worked like usual, then went home to get ready.  What would I wear?  Salsa dancing required a skirit that moved and high heels.  I put together an ensemble that worked, and when I was happy with the result, I took a deep breath and left to meet up with my group and get my cha cha cha on!
     Eva brought her husband Dave who had gone out with us a few times before.  I wispered in his ear that I thought we were the only white people there!  Ok, other than the two blond bartenders, there were maybe a handful of caucasion people, everyone else was Hispanic.
      I was a little uptight, and sterotypically ordered a margarita as my first drink.  I crowded into the corner of the bar between my two friends.  They were already moving to the beat of the music.  We looked out onto the dance floor and saw Janet, a dance instructor who worked part-time with us.  She was being spun and turned, and it looked oh so fun!  I now ordered a chardonnay because of the beautiful glass they were serving it in, and it was too hot in there for red wine.  I was now starting to loosen up.  Shortly thereafter, I was out on the floor shaking my groove thing!  The next thing I know, someone puts me in the front of a conga line.  I'm pretty sure I stood out like a sore thumb;  A strawberry blond in a seaful of burnets!  When we headed back to the bar, I was so hot that I ordered a Corona with lime.  Eva said to me, "I thought you said you didn't know how to Salsa dance?"  I said, "I never said that!"  Then a Latino man sent me a shot of tequilla.  I asked one of the blond bartenders for salt and a lime.  I did my shot like a pro!  I licked salt from the back of my hand, downed my tequilla and bit into my lime.  Then he grabbed me and took me to the dance floor.  He spun me like I was on Dancing with the Stars!  Somehow I was able to follow his lead, and look like I knew what I was doing!  We ended the dance, and I thanked him.  He spoke very little English.   I rejoined my friends at the bar for a nightcap, as if I needed one more!  So what started as a night I dreaded, ended up being a ton of fun!  So hats off to trying new things- life is an adventure and fun is what you make it...

The Best Birthday (Sex) Ever!

     The weekend of my bithday was approaching fast and I had high hopes it would be a good one!  Of course I wasn't looking forward to becoming a year older, but that was actually pretty far back in  my mind this year.  I was feeling young, sexy and alive.  I guess I have been kind of reliving my 20's, since that was the last time I was single, and only had that to go on as a reference.  For the last 16 years I have only known what it is like to be a wife and a mother, as well as a daughter and sister, but to have a lover ot two, now that was something completly new!
     Early in the week I had informed Steven that I would be coming to his bar with my friends to celebrate my birthday, and that "I was kinda hoping to go home with the owner!"  He toyed with me, "You were hugh?"
     On Friday night I had plans to go out with my mom and her friends and one of their daughters who was also celebrating her birthday that week, and was also newly seperated from her husband.  We sang and danced, and drank and ate cake; And just had an all around good time, but I couldn't wait till Saturday night!  I crashed out pretty early on my moms couch.  When I woke up in the morning I had a happy birthday text from Steven.  I went home and started to get ready for my real b'day celebration.  I waas going to T's house first for dinner and drinks, with her and her husband, and two friends.  The five of us finally managed to get to Stevens' bar at about 11pm.  He was not there when we arrived because he had gone home to let the dog out, which he had called to let me know.  T and I danced, and Stevens' partner made us a round of flaming drinks for my b'day.  When Steven finally arrived, I turned left to T and right to Jan and said, "He's here".  I saw him scan the room to look for me.  A few minutes later he strolled by to say "hi".  Shortly later I went over to talk to him.  T came over and was pretty drunk by then and put her arms around him.  I just laughed, knowing she meant no harm.  In fact, she was so drunk she tipped over soon after, and we had to depart early.  There was no way my night would end this way!  I went over to Steven and told him to text me when he got home, that I would be waiting up for him!  We all went back to T's house and I fell to sleep on the couch.  For some strange reason I awoke in the middle of the night to find a text from Steven saying, "Honey, I'm home".  I flew out of her house like a bat out of hell!  I drove straight to his house.  I texted him to say, "let me in, in 5 minutes", when I was close.  It was about an hour after he texted me that I arrived.  He was tired, and looked far from happy by the time I got there at almost 4am!;  But it was my real birthday now, and nothing was going to ruin it;  So I just curled up next to him and went to sleep. 
     In the morning I wanted to surprise him, and I made him breakfeast in his kitchen!  There was an awkward moment when my ex texted me "Happy B'day", then he called me while I was there in the kitchen. (he had also left me a bottle of my favorite wine on my table at home).  I spoke to him briefly and said "thanks". 
     Shortly thereafter I woke Steven with his breakfeast, and afterward asked for my birthday present!  It was worth the wait!  I was not disappointed.  In fact, I finally got what I had been needing for a long time- if you know what I mean!  We came at almost the same time, and I squeezed his hand so hard it must of hurt!  My body was weak, and my birthday weekend was complete!

Is This LoveThat I'm Feeling? / What's Love Got To Do With It? / You Give Love a Bad Name

     How do you know if you're in love?  Is it just a gut feeling, something you can't explain?  Is it that calmness after the storm;  That peaceful feeling you get when you're with that special person?  Or, is it the fact they can do no wrong, that they're perfect in your eyes?  Or, all the above I suppose!
     Maybe, it's when you can envision a future together, or, maybe you find their faults cute!  Or the fact that you can't get through the day without thinking a happy thought about them and smile!  Or, that you no longer want to be with anyone else...Is that love???

3 X's w/ Steven- What the Hell Does This Mean?

     Well, to be perfectly honest, my week sucked!  You know how bad things come in three's?  Yeah, well it did...my brother was being a total dickhead, my husband took his new girlfriend, Bambi, to meet my in-laws, with my son!, and my frickin' cat had to be put to sleep!;  And I still had to go to work and smile, and sell cosmetics to rich old ladies!  WTF-FML-OMG!!!  Then to top it all off, when the weekend finally arrived, I convinced Goose to get ready to go out Saturday night.  I of course messaged Steven before I left, saying that I would be available for a while. Then I left.  He texted me "Define a while."  I actually said this, "It means I could come over there right now, or I'm going out with Goose-tick, tock."
Was I testing him? Yes.  In the back of my mind, if he didn't stop me, was I going to go out and hook-up with someone else?  Probably, yes.  Would I have ditched my friend to go see him?  Yes.  Well, this is what happened- it was a lose, lose situation.  Goose was so pissed that I was going to ditch her, and Steven told me to hang out with her, and he would call me later.  So, we ended up eating pizza and watching scary movies.  Steven never called me back that night!  What a dick, right?  Or was I the asshole???
     On Sunday we messaged and texted.  I wasn't really that pissed realizing my plan had backfired on me!  He alluded to the fact that he was home and available.  I alluded to the fact that I was too busy folding laundry!
     On Monday night when he texted me "Coming to see me?"  I was so there.  A hurricane probably wouldn't have stopped me from going!  At that moment, there was nothing that I wanted more than to be with him again, just to be with him, unconditionally.  He gave me a little kiss hello.  It felt so-normal, comfortable.  He said "movie time?"  I said, "yeah".  I just wanted to curl up in his arms and go to sleep, which is pretty much what I did.  We didn't make love, do it, fuck, or whatever you want to call it till morning.  It felt so good to feel him inside me again.  I was in ecstasy!  It was more than just sex, for me at least.  We got ready and left at the same time.  He gave me a little kiss goodbye.  I hated the feeling of not knowing when I would see him again, but I tried my best not to show it...
    

My Not So Lonly Weekend/ Goose Gets Sexy

     The next day started a new weekend.  What would this one bring?  Friday night I just chilled with Goose at her place.  We had a few drinks and watched a scary movie.  I stayed over, went home, got ready for work, and to do it all again.  At work I had a make-over event that I was ill prepared for, but somehow it managed to go ok, thanks to a few prayers and some last minute creativity!  The day flew by, and Goose invited me to join her and her parents out for dinner.  We were pretty amped from the day and her parents were looking at us like we were on something!
     After dinner Goose and I decided to go back to her place and drink.  I was still on my vodka and Red Bull kick and got some "whipped" flavored vodka that Bunni had turned me on to!  We got into a somewhat heated discussion about me.  She though I had been misrepresenting myself in pictures.  I argued how can I possibly be misrepresenting myself if I'm taking photo's of myself on a cheap cell phone!  I explained it's me, a different part of me that you don't see, an attitude- a sexy attitude.  I told her to go get her make-up box and that I would prove anyone could do it, and that meant her!  I styled her up and took her picture on my phone.  I had her send it to her boyfriend;  He loved it!   I didn't want to miss out on the fun, so I fixed myself up and took a picture of myself and sent it to Steven.  I suggested we take a picture together, and being pretty buzzed Goose agreed.  I got it in one shot and it was pretty Hot!  I had been text taunting Steven and sent it to him.  Who else was I going to send it to at 3am!  I  hope he liked it.  Anyway, he did say Goose was pretty cute!  So, I proved my point and we had fun!  It was a good night... 
  

Oops I did it again! (My last hook-up w/ Martin)

     Several days after my long weekend off, I was back to work.  Things were, well, as normal as they could be, I guess.  Mornings were always the hardest.  Why?   I don't know.  I guess it was the the quiet dawn of day that made reality the clearest.  Music became my best friend at this time of day, but I was still lonely.  It had been a couple of weeks since Martin came in to see me at work, and almost the same time since I had last saw Steven, except a few short texts and calls to and from both of them.
     It was a Thursday night and I was closing.  A few hours before I was to get off  (haha), Martin called me.  I happened to be outside having a smoke and I picked up the phone.  He told me he was going out with a friend for a while and would call me later.  My son had left to go with his dad again, and I knew I really didn't want to be home alone;  I just wasn't there yet.  I started to think, maybe I hadn't really given this guy a chance.  He was my age, had a good job, he was nice, blah, blah, blah...
     Well, it started to get late and I started to get bored, so I decided to raz him.  I sent him a text saying, "You cannot even commit to a booty call!"  He texted me "LOL" and called me ASAP!  He invited me to his house, which I had not been to yet, but it wasn't far away.  When I arrived we didn't spend much time talking or anything else for that matter, except for the one thing I was there for.  I spent the night, and in the morning he gave me a tour of his home.  It was beautiful, in an OCD perfect way!  After my tour ended I said, "I better get going."  I left and I didn't look back...
  

The Long Holiday Weekend

     I was going to be off for three whole glorious days.  I was ecstatic!  It had now been a couple of weeks since my vacation and I was ready for a few fun days.  All my plans were up in the air.  Things were slowing down and starting to feel more normal.  It had been a good 10 days or so since my final texts to Josh.  It didn't end so well.  I  had a bad day, and I had argued with my ex about our son.  I felt he wasn't spending enough time with him, and I told him "I wasn't married for 15 years to be a single mom."  He told me to "chill out."  I said, "chill out? Who the fuck are you?"  I was a wreak and went straight to Gooses' house to chill out! (Which meant get drunk!)  So what did I do next?  I told someome else to "Fuck Off", and that someone was Josh.  I knew he had a girlfriend now and it wasn't fair to her if we kept texting.  So I had to end it.  God was he pissed, but I'm sure it was for the best.
     Anyway, my first night out of the long weekend I went out with Goose and three of her friends from high school.  We went to a bar down by the beach.  We talked and laughed and had a good time.  Afterward, Goose and I went back to her place and sat up and talked till 4am!  However, before going out I messaged Steven and asked him if I could call him  and he said "sure, just working".  I told him I was going out, and he said to have a good time.  I loved hearing his sexy voice again.
     The next night I had hoped to see Steven, but he was too busy working.  So I went to another party at Bunni's house.  This time there were only five people there.  Bunni, her boyfriend, Sunny, and her new online boyfriend, and Bunni's former roommate, Dax.  At one point Steven texted me and I gave him a quick call- I couldn't resist.
     Due to the fact that there were just two other couples, plus Dax and I, we flirted, a lot!  However, Bunni informed me that he had "hooked up" with two of my friends, and was seeing someone.  Good to know!  So it stayed fun and friendly, and he left early.  I spent the night due to the fact it was a holiday weekend and I had been drinking.  I didn't need any repete performances!
     On my final day off, I spent it relaxing at my moms house.  It was non climatic;  Although there were fireworks,  it was only on the TV for me...

"Control"- The Word of the Day...

     On Tuesday morning before work I sent a message to Steven saying, "You can "control" me anytime, I think I liked it-gotta go to work.."  He messaged me back, "Have a great day at work".  It was enough to make me have a good day!  It probably wasn't the smartest move on my behalf, but I don't really do things that make any sense lately.  I'm now playing the wait and see game again!
     After talking to my "friend" Anna Louise , she pointed out the fact that I was NEVER in control-he had me at "hello"!  I was butter in his hands, and had been played like a fiddle and all those cliche's.  I know I let this happen, my choice, my decision, but I'm not thinking straight, remember?  He knows how vulnerable I am right now- it's so not fair to torture me like this...he's not even my type.
     Steven is the cookie cutout of the definition of a "player".  His picture could be posted next to the definition of the word!  If I were to make him "love me", I could write a bestseller- "How to tame a player"!  Haha-Fat chance of that happening!  So for now, the game continues...Hey, he should be happy-it's not like I wanna run off and marry him- I'm still legally married-remember?  Oh well, WTF...

About Last Night - Stevens' Follow Up...

     I had the most manic day at work yet.  I made a bad mistake.  I was feeling sentimental and put in Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits on the way, "This Ones For You" to be exact.  As I pulled into the parking lot I had to dab my watery eyes.  What was I thinking?  However, I pulled myself together, caus' that's what I do!  Ok, the real reason for my melancholy mood was that I had successfully pushed yet another guy away, one that I might really like.  Dammit.  I was pushy, agressive and a bitch.  I think I ended the message with "see ya around sometime, maybe."  I knew that I had really fucked up this time.  I was playing a game, but I don't even know why.
     Anyway, the day proceeded well at first.  I put in some disco compulation CD's to enhance my mood!  I made customers smile and my girls laugh.  I asked the girls to give me three words to describe me, and several times the word "neurotic" came up, so it bacame the word of the day.  I looked it up and this is what it said, "A class of functional mental disorders involving distress, but neither dulusions or hallucinations, wherby behavior is NOT outside socially acceptable!  Also, uses ego defense mechanisms and borderline personality disorders with symptoms including anxiety, aggressiveness, sadness, depression, anger, irritability, impulsive and compulsive acts, obsession, habitual fantasizing and socio-culturally inappropiate behaviors!  WOW, I was nailed to the cross!
     I managed to make it through the day, after snapping at Goose, and holding back tears by the time I left.  When I got home, my son had just gotten picked up by his dad to spend the first night over with him and Bambi.  I had tenative plans to go out to a wine bar with friends.  I logged onto FB because I had an apology to make again.  I told Steven that I was sorry for acting so "neurotic" lately.  He messaged me back and somehow we made plans for me to come over, to have sex, or course!  I said I would get ready and see him in an hour or so...then I paniced...wow, was I really going to do this again!
     I called him on the way because I had gotten off the wrong exit.  He then asked me to pick up some pepperoni bread sticks! Ok...but whatever...sure, no prob.  When I arrived we went to the couch, ate and watched some wierd show till we started rubbing on each other.  (Oh, I forgot there was another condition-that we don't drink). We were going to have sober sex.  Which we did next.  It started on the couch, then we moved to the bedroom.  We had great sex, took a shower, came back out to the living room, watched some more TV, made cookies, cuddled and wet to bed, with the dog!  I slept good.  I went home at 10am, got ready, and went to work with a big smile...:)

Intermission...(Plus Guy Breakdown!)

     As of right now-today, I am no longer on any "dating" site.  I realized two things: 1) I don't even know how to date, and 2) I'm probably not really ready to date anyone seriously.  Anyway, I am making a lot of friends on FB, but strictly for networking purposes only, for now...
     Martin came in to visit me at work tonight, which was a nice surprise.  Steven texted me back once with his usual short answer- maybe just to appease me; I'm not sure, and Jake didn't text me back at all today.  I thought about "unfriending" him, but I couldn't do it-yet... He's the only one I cried over, twice, fought with, talked openly, felt guilty when I went to Stevens', and had wild crazy (phone) sex with!  He was the closest thing I had to a real relationaship- and I never even met him...

 Guy Breakdown:
     Guy at work:  Helped me through the end of my marriage...with a little smile! :)

     Martin:  Helped me over the hump (Haha) to get over my husband- in my bed! LOL

     Jake:  Helped me safly explore my sexuality through sexting and talking

     Steven:  Was the first person to inspire me to do what I do...to become a better person-
                    to get in touch with the person inside of me- the person that was always there-
                   the person I was;  Oh so long ago.........:) :) :)

    

Fathers Day

     Fathers Day was a busy day.  I took my son to see his dad in the morning.  We met up at a gas station for the kid exchange. (So PC, right? haha).  The only present I brought him, was that I brought our dog along to see him too!  He got me a coffee and gave me a hug and seemed excited to see me, however, he was picking our son up in Bambi's truck! Gag!!!
     Next, I was off to my moms' house to go to the airport with her, my step-dad, and my nephew.  My mom was flying her grandson back to Alabama where he lives.  The drive to the airport and the drop off went well.  I rode in the back of the silver Mustang convertible with my nephew.  We play talked and laughed until of course he fell asleep.
     After the airport, my step-dad and I were off to the private club for "Fathers Day Dinner".  We were not even there for an hour before my phone rang, and my son wanted to come back from his dads' place, (I mean Bambi's-LOL).  I told his dad to drop him off at the club.  He called me back on the way and asked if he could stop in too, and if I wanted to buy him a Fathers Day drink! (I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me!")  I was nice though, since it was Fathers Day;  I told him I thought it would be awkward!!!  He seemed disappointed...Whatever!  Your my ex, not my BFF!
     Earlier in the day, at some point, I texted Josh to wish HIM a Happy Fathers Day.  Later in the evening, back at home, he texted me back.  I needed to blow off some steam, so you probably don't need to be a genius to figure out where this headed! Haha...So the long stressful day cumulated with some super hot text sex with my 27 year old texting boyfriend!  Unfortunately, it would be the last time..........:(

Party at Bunnis' House!

     The following night, following my rebound, rebound hook up, I was attending a party at my friend Bunnis' house.  When I arrived there was food and drinks flowing, and an array of fun people present.  I was on the back porch drinking, talking and laughing with friends when I got a text from Josh, which surprised me because I thought we were done, totally, with the whole thing.  After a few texts I asked him if I could call him.  I had never actually talked to him!  I went through the garage on my way outside.  I stopped to tell a teenage girl how nervous I was to actually talk to a guy that I had been texting with for weeks! 
     My hand slightly shook as I pressed call on his number.  I didn't know what to expect.  He answered in his strong Southern accent.  It took me several minutes of listening to comfortably understand him! Then it was like talking to an old friend!  We talked about everything, our lives, our kids, our families, and ourselves.  Then I hopped in my car and got comfy.  Things turned sexual! He got me pretty hot!!!
     After his happy ending! Haha..we went back to talking about life.  He was in the middle of a super crazy, interesting story from before he was sober, and my phone died!  I ran in the house and checked my bag-I forgot my charger!  I franticly asked for a cellphone!  Finally I just logged onto a computer and told him "my phone went dead" and he said "I figured so", and then we said "goodnight".  Then I resumed to the party!  Finally!!!  I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy!  Haha!

Online Flirting/ Martin's Follow-Up

     Ok, this one's pretty funny!  Everytime I check my e-mail this dating site keeps popping up;  So finally I'm like, "What the hell!" I had already canceled my cougar site, and was pretty bored with the other one.  So, I took a few minutes and filled out the profile, etc.  A little while later I got an e-mail that someone had checked out my profile.  So, I clicked on it, and it was a guy who looked just like Martin.  I looked closer and holy shit, it was him!  I clicked "flirt" and he messaged me.  I messaged him back jokingly saying "You Look Hot, and we should hook up, Oh yeah, we already did that- Haha!"  I think he called me that night or the next day or whatever.  On Friday night he called me from out somewhere at a bar.  He was kinda upset because he had seen his ex together with a friend of his.  He asked me if he could stop over to "hang out".  I said "sure". 
     Martin arrived about 11pm.  We hung out on the back porch and talked and laughed.  It wasn't long before he started to kiss me and touch me playfully.  A while later I said that I would walk him to his truck, however we never quite made it there.  I would give you the details, but it wold sound like a cheesy Penthouse letter!  Let's just say it wasn't in my bed again, and it wasn't even in my house! OMG! 
     Anyway, to tell you the truth I kinda felt like I owed the guy one.  I had used him, and tonight I let him use me! (and I was totally cool with it!)  I did eventually walk him the rest of the way to his truck and said "Goodnight".  But you know what?  I kinda felt like a guy- and I felt nothing, it was purely sex!  But I had to know for sure...right???

Finally...My Vacation!

     Several days later I finally made it to my vacation.  I had thought it would never come...I had tried so hard to hold off my breakdown until now, but as you now know, I was unsuccessful at that.  It's hard to schedule a nervous breakdown!  (Even for the strongest and most controling people!) 
     I went to my moms' house for five days to chill out and relax.  My nephew was there for a court ordered visit with his grandmother, my mom.  We bonded and had lots of family fun!
      On Tuesday though, I had to attend a work seminar in Orlando.  I text Josh several times, because it had been the day we were supposed to meet.  We chatted about the things we would have done if we had gotten together!  What a bunch of BS!  I also texted Martin and we had some casual chit chat.  However, my mind was still preoccupied with Steven.  I desperately texted him several times with no response.  I had pissed him off the day before.  I had searched him on the internet and found some "private" information that I had confronted him with via text.  Not a good idea, to say the least...
     I wish I could have just pretended that I didn't know, but I couldn't. Shit.  Anyhow, I pleaded for his forgivness and found a song that reminded me of him/us and played it over and over in my car on my long ride that day.  I didn't know if he would ever talk to me again, but I wasn't ready to give up just yet.  This man intrigued me- and I just had to have more...

    

My Power Trip!

     After my night with Steven, I felt empowered.  He gave me something that I had been missing-ME!  He made me feel beautiful , sexy, and alive!  I would learn to make myself happy in more than one way!  I awoke inside with strength and courage-to live my life as me!  No more hiding behind a facade -the true raw me, that God meant me to be, was here to stay.  The fear that was there yesterday, was gone today.  My life had changed and there was no going back...
     I started to write everyday.  My brother says I should use an alter ego, but NO, this is like free therapy-and I don't feel the need to hide anymore.  This is ME- except it or change the channel.  I earned the right for freedom of speech- whatever the consequences may be- (but so far the positive feedback far outways the bad)! Goodnight...:)
    

Date.com/ Stevens' Story...

     I had started to get bored of boys...they wanted no real connection, just a game, a fantasy- so wierd, so interesting!  What has become of our world?...no sense of reality...
     So, I decided to move on, a little...to a real dating site, one that promised the most love connections on the net!  However, the first thing I did was "wink" at a guy that I had seen on the cougar website.  He was 35, had worked in California for a long time and was from Pennsylvania.  So, I thought, humm...ok, maby?;  But he only sent me a message asking me when he could come over and give me a full body massage!  Please!!! That's all you got!  I messaged him back telling him "I love massages, but I find this a little forward".  I didn't hear back from him!
     Next, I found another 35 year old guy I recognized from the other site too.  I "winked" at him and he "winked" back.  We had some playfully agressive messages and I gave him my number to text me.  He asked me when we could "meet".  I said "later in the week".  He texted me the next day to check in when our "date" would be.  I said Wednesday was the earliest I could, and he said, "Wednesday it is".  Humm, now what?  Opps, I did it again...
     Wednesday came and I got prepared in the morning, and went to work.  I was still in heavy texting with Josh at this time, and I started to feel guilty;  Which is absolutly crazy!  I did not hear from Steven until the afternoon, and I tried to get out of it, but I couldn't resist.  He was too mysterious, too interesting!  He taunted me, and I caved into his request.  I  would go, but I was scared shitless!
     I did not talk to him on the phone until I got home from work.  He had a deep, sexy voice.  Not at all what I expected.  He sounded so mature for 35.  He asked me how many "dates" I had been on.  I said, "none, this would be my first".  He probably ate that up.  I was like a sheep to the wolf!
     When I arrived, I think he liked what he saw.  We talked, he made me drinks, and showed me around his house.  He kissed me, and he knew he had me.  I knew that I was his latest conquest and yet I was powerless in his presence.  He took me to his room and made love to me.  We later watched TV and cuddled, he made me some food, made love again, and went to bed.  He gave me the whole "boyfriend experience"!  How could I complain, it was just what I needed...
     I left early in the morning, for I had to work that day.  I went home and texted Josh, like I said I was feeling kind of guilty...(FYI, I made three texts from his house that night, two to friends checking in on me to see if "I was still alive"- Haha, and one to Josh to tell him that I was thinking about him).  I know...

The Day After..."My Breakdown/Meltdown at Work"

     The phone rang and woke me.  I didn't get to it in time though, however I started to panic;  What time was it?  What the hell happened last night!  (and why was I home and not in jail!)  I couldn't even understand, but I thanked God!  Luckly I still had another car, because mine was on the side of the road somewhere! 
     I made it to work, but it wasn't easy.  I checked my message on the way.  It was Martin, who had checked on me, and called to say he was glad that I didn't get arrested last night.  Me too!  I appreciated his concern.
     At work it wasn't long before I started to break down.  I felt as if I was going to faint.  Someone simply asked me how I was and I started to cry.  I went outside, then came back in.  Not much later the scenerio replayed.  This time  I sat down.  Anna Louise fanned me and gave me a granola bar, my manager brought me a bottle of water and an apple, and the girls gathered around me.  I went back outside and sobbed hard.  I couldn't do this anymore.  Katie came out to check on me.  I had her bring me my purse and I called my manager and told her I was going to take my lunch break now.
     As soon as I got in the car I called my mom- and said "mommie", and cried, and told her everything.  She made me feel ok, and that she understood.  She was compassionate and loving and not judgemental at all.  Next, I called Goose and told her to please meet me at my house ASAP.  I need her to drive me to go find my car!  I couldn't even think clearly, and we drove all around because I told her the wrong street.  Just when we were ready to give up, there it was!  I told Goose I wasn't going back to work that day.  She convienced me that I could make it.  I had serious reservations though!  I was about ready to take a leave of absence.   Just then, Anna Louise texted me, "Are you on your way back?",  I answered, "On the way now".
     I went back.  I don't even know how I made it till 7pm, but everyone seemed understanding due to my relationship circumstances, (and they didn't even know the details of the night before).  A little while before I left work, Martin called to check in on me.  We talked, and I told him I would call him back when I got home, which I did.  He is now under the impression that I am a crazy party animal!  (Which is so not the true case).  I just happen to be at a crazy point in my life!  A turing point...This was my rock bottom and now there was no where to go but back up!

"Last Friday Night" My Almost Arrest Story!!!

     Ok, I continued to try to make it one day at a time at work, waiting for my vacation and school to get out, which could not come soon enough.  I focused hard on work.  No one even knew at this point that anything was wrong, but I was heading for a major meltdown.  I tried hard to put it off till vacation, but no such luck!
     I gathered up a flock and headed out to a local dive bar! ( I actually called Martin on the way).  I convienced "T" to go and had her be my winggirl for the night! Haha!  We had a few glasses of wine at my place before heading out.  When we arrived, we drank a few beers, chatted with friends and new acquaintances.  (I even texted Josh from the bathroom to let him know I was thinking about him!)  All was going well, untill I ordered on of those blue drinks that some of my friends were having.  It was so good, that I ordered one more before closing.  Turned out they were Blue Long Island Ice Teas!
     Everyone started to disperse...I told my friends "I'm fine", and when the bar closed I headed to my car to go home-alone.  I was almost home when suddenly from behind me red & blue lights started to flash. I thought "Oh my God, I'm going to jail!"  I carefully pulled over and the officer asked me for my ID.  I gave it to him and he disappeared for a few minutes into the night. (It was about 1:15am).  He returned calmly and never asked me to get out of the car or anything like that!  He only asked me if there was someone I could call.  Wow! I grabbed my phone, and who of all people did I dial, Martin!  He answered and I started to talk and what do you know- my phone went dead...Jesus Christ! Fuckin A! 
-But you know what?  The cop said he would give me a ride home! What?  I asked where to move my car to, and he said "leave it right there".  I walked to the police car and went to get in the front and he said "sorry mamm-you'll have to ride in the back".  I said "Oh, I'm sorry".  When I got in the car I started to sob, telling the officer how my husband left me for Bambi!  We arrived at my house and I fell in my stone driveway in my heels. I was sobbing loudly now.  He walked me to the door and put me inside.  I cried hard-finally.  I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, but I grabbed the shower curtain and it ripped to the ground as I fell on the floor. I then went to my room and ripped my clothes off, and fell into bed.  I had hit MY rock bottom...

Cougar Life...

     After my rebound one night stand I was looking for something, but I wasn't sure what.  My husband was five years younger than me, and I wasn't really ready to date, but I was lonly and needed attention.  Where would I turn?  I didn't want to become a cheap whore;  I had already slept with one guy!  So, one lonly, boring night, I signed up online, on a website for "cougars"!  What was I thinking?  Had I gone crazy!
     I "flirted" with a few guys, and sent and received a few messages.  One nice guy was in the Navy in the Bahamas.  We talked about meeting when he came to Florida, but it never panned out.  Next, I found a super hot young guy who was 25, whom I called "Bizzle".  He reminded me a little of Eminem.  We messaged on the site, then instant messaged-(which he explained to me how to do), and texted, or sexted!  It was my first time, and last time with him.  Oh well, bye bye Bizzle...
     My next guy was the real deal though;  A cute country guy. He was 27 and a single dad.  We texted about a lot of stuff, plus had the hottest text sex possible through a phone! (pics and all- my favorite being a picture he sent to me in only his cowboy hat!)
     This lasted weeks.  We talked about meeting, but never did.  (He lived about three hours away).  We finally talked on the phone one night for hours, till my phone went dead.  I had real feelings for him, which is crazy because I never even met him.  We "broke up" because he got a real live girlfriend.  I cried my eyes out.  Why?  I don't know...I guess it was kinda silly of me...

My husbands' Breakdown...:(

     God, what a frikin' day! My husband texted me at 4:52am!  He didn't go to work again...He called me at 8am sobbing uncontrolably-I could barly understand him.  I tried to talk to him, and I was finally able to cry...The man I had fell in love with at first sight, had left me for another woman, and he was upset with ME for being with someone else!  The man I took an oath to God to love me through good times and bad, till death do us part- had stomped on my heart and broke it into a million pieces, was now telling me I should have stopped him from walking out the door! WTF!!!
     He had spent weeks telling me how we were just friends, drinking buddies, that he loved me, but was not "in love with me";  And on top of that spent time telling me about another woman he had developed feelings for, and yet I still tried to show him, and tell him how I felt, but NO, that wasn't good enough!
He said that he would have "taken better late than never";  But he didn't.  What was I to do?  What would you do?  I was jealous, I was in pain, I was sad, I was angry, I was depressed, and yet I tried to spill my guts onto paper, but to no avail...He had convienced me that he had already made up his mind.  If I had begged him nothing would have changed, and he would have continued to blame ME for his loneliness and unhappiness.  I truly thought we were pretty normal and happy- WOW, was I wrong!  Yes, he had been tring to tell me he wasn't happy, but what was I doing that was so wrong?  I tried my best, I begged for love and tenderness in bed.  I wanted to feel special, important;  But I didn't.  So I started staying up late again to avoid it all together.  I didn't have the strength to try to do it all by myself.  He was slowly slipping away from me, but I could not stop it.  I was too weak by then;  My soul was too sad to summon the courage to say STOP!
     Anyway, he called and texted me several more times that day.  We just went round and round, neither of us able to see eye to eye.  I didn't even have a glass of wine that night, but I did need to run out for more smokes again.  Another sleepless night- what's gonna happen tomorrow...

Coffee With My Ex...

     Woke up for absolutly no reason at 4:30am and was wide awake.  I was watching TV and then the phone rang at 5:15am!  It must be an emergency or a wrong number, right?  No, it was "drunk guy"! (I remembered I gave him my number before I realized he was crazy).  He wanted to know if he could come over.  Hell no!  I'm not that crazy (and he still sounded drunk! Now that guy has problems!) 
     I got my son ready for school, and me for work.  The day went fast and pretty productive.  I shared my "high" of the weekend with the girls at work.  My husband texted me to meet him for coffee at 6pm, after work.  What did he want?  Just to see me and talk, or a divorce...I arrived right before 6pm and he already had coffee for us.  He asked for a smoke, which was fine with me, because I definitly needed one too.  He looked good.  My heart didn't hurt.  I think he had already broken it into too many pieces. 
     We talked and talked.  I could tell it was hard for him.  He looked sad, but said he was happy.  I was confused as usual.  We smoked and talked and actually had to walk next door to the liquor store to get more smokes; then inside to get more coffee.  I didn't tell him I had been with someone else, but he just knew.  He hadn't gone to work today either.  He also said that yesterday had been a terrible day; That when I texted him in the morning and said "I was officially not mad at him anymore", that he knew, and it killed him, even though he was now living with and fucking someone else!  I explained that I didn't do it to hurt him-that I did it for me, to help me get over him.  I hadn't been with anyone else in 16 years!  (By the way, I havn't even heard from Martin, which is really no surprise).
     You could tell neither one of us really wanted to leave, but eventually we had to.  My son had called twice by now, and I told him I was having coffee with his dad, and that I would be home soon.  We ended on a good note.  I told him I was happy for him if this is what he wanted.  We hugged and even gave each other a little kiss on the lips.  I was learning to let go... 
    

A Tale of Sex & Lust- Rebound Style!

     Well it was a long weekend.  Where to begin...Saturday morning my mother in law came over to pick up my son.  I went to work and was so excited to go out;  I couldn't wait to get through the day.  Finally it came.  I grabbed some coffee, went through the bank, and picked up supplies at the liquor store, and headed home.  I pumped up the music, made a few calls, had a snack, grabbed a glass of wine, and colored my hair-blond.  Blondes have more fun right?  (and let me tell you- they do; I mean I did!)
     I headed over to my friend Gooses' house (my wingman for the night)!  We cracked open a bottle of chard and drank it before heading to the club.  We arrived around 11pm.  The music was pumping and the place was jumping. LOL.  We grabbed a drink and found a spot outside by the water.  Shortly later, a friend of Gooses' from high school stopped by the table and ended up staying.  A little while later, a guy we referred to as "drunk guy" came over.  We had spent several long moments gazing into each others eyes.  He said "I'm bad", and I said "I know". 
     It seemed like an eternity until our other friends arrived.  Finally, the real party had started.  The time flew by and before we knew it the bar was closing.  I invited everyone back to my house execpt "drunk guy"-thank God!  Poor guy, I don't even know how he got home.  (he had asked for a sip of my wine and he drank the whole thing!  Which was probably better for me, since I still had to drive home).
     We escaped to the parking lot and broke up into groups.  We arrived back at my crib, LOL, and I put on some music, and conviently had a 12 pack of beer and a couple of bottles of wine, that I had picked up earlier at the liquor store.  One of our friends had some vodka, and I made everyone shots, explaining that I used to be a bartender.  They were pretty good too! 
     Sometime during the night, I was over at my computer to play a song, when who was right there-Martin, Gooses' friend.  He kissed me passionately and electric sparks went through my whole body.  It happened several more times through out  the rest of the night.  Finally our other friends said they had to go home.  I pleaded "Why"?  They explained it was after 3am!  Wow!!  That left only Goose, Martin and I.  Soon, Goose, who was pretty drunk, got obnoxous and slapped Martin, for what reason I do not know!  Martin got pissed off, and I said we would take her home.  He said to stay here, and he would take her home.  I knew he would be back though, and I was so horny.  And you know what?  I was right.  I had started to get ready for bed and before I knew it, he was back.  Horny too I guess!  We started kissing right away-the sparks were back.  I had no fear, no remorse, it was like "Who are you"? to myself!  We went straight to my bed, the one I had shared with my husband for so long.  Clothes flew off, we kissed and licked each others bodies.  He asked me if this was ok.  I assured him that it was.  He seemed concerned about protection, and I remembered that I had one condom that my brother had sent to my 12year old son! (Which I had confiscated immediatly before he knew about it).  I remember my husband had freaked out about it, and I am surprised he never asked me what I did with it.  (I kept it in the zipper part of my purse for an emergency like this one thank God)!  Funny, Martin did ask me how old it was. LOL. (I have no idea really!)
     We proceeded to explore each others bodies and have passionate sex untill we passed out about about 5am, I think.  I woke up about 9am and he was gone- but I felt ok about it, and actually, I felt great!  Just what I needed...I was surprised that he didn't leave a note or anything.  I didn't even know his last name.  So on Monday, I went on FB to see if he was a friend of Gooses', but no luck.  So I just simply searched his first name, figuring a million would come up, but there he was!  He had FB friend requested himself from my computer so I could find him.  Creative, ingenuous- I loved it! WOW!

    

The Longest Week Ever...

     Tues:
          What can I say it was a hard day. I couldn't focus and emotions were running rampant.  I wasn't surprised when my sons' school called, but it made me mad at my husband.  How could he do this to us-his family?  We love him, we need him...Yet he seemed so cold and aloof, like it was just another day, and everything is ok. Maby it is for him because he has someone else sucking his dick!  I don't even know this chick, but I have NO respect for her, or anyone who would invite a married man to come live with her.  Bitch, Cunt, Whore! Need I say more...
    
     Wed:
          I was so tired.  I went to bed about midnight.  I had only 1 glass of wine and fell asleep fairly easily.  I awoke about 4:30 am-I was cold and had to pee! I got back in bed ASAP, but had trouble falling back to sleep.  I started to think about HIM.  How he was up, and getting ready for work.  Would THEY ride together today?  When I finally fell back to sleep I had a bad dream. I dreampt that my husband and I were going somewhere, and he stopped to introduce me to "Bambi".  He said "You will just love her, she is so sweet."  I freaked out in my dream when I saw her.  Like love at first sight, it was hate!  I threw a glass of wine, then myself on the ground and started to sob.  I arose when my son woke me to help him get ready for school.  Wow, and the day had just started...

     Thur:
          Ok, I was feeling much better today.  The anger had subsided and the sadness too.  I felt alive, like myself again.  Almost like a weight of MY shoulders.  I got up at 6:30am, which isn't as bad as I once thought.  I listened to music, excercised, and talked on the phone to friends.  I did wake up at 3:30am, 4:30am, 5:30am etc, but I guess that is to be expected.  Writing my thoughts and talking about it to friends has helped.  I've learned you can't keep everything in side and be ok...

     Fri:
          Got up early-was tired though-cleaned up, ran errands and went to work.  When I got home, I freaked out for a second. My husband had left me a Mothers Day card; But that's not the reason. The reason was, because I had been thinking about getting a tatoo of a sunflower and a bumblebee, and when I opened the card that's exactly what was on the front of it!  Is he psychic?  Could he still read my thoughts so strongly?  Wierd!  Other than that it was a pretty good day;  I was busy at work and had coffee on break with a friend who had stopped in to see me. I went home, tried to eat some of the dinner I had made and got ready for bed... for tomorrow night would start the first night of my exciting new life as a single woman!

     Tune in, you won't want to miss this one! I promise...
         
         
         
    

Doomsday...

     As anyone who knows me knows, I do not give up that easily!   As ridiculous as this sounds, my husband told me I wasn't passionate enough-sexually, and as a last ditch effort, I tried to show him my true lust and passion.  We had hot, steamy, shower sex- and you know what?  The next morning he said to me "You know this doesn't change anything"! Mother F'er!  Later that day I told him if he felt that strongly about "Bambi" (close to her real name by the way) he should probably go move in with her.  I just didn't think it would be the next week!
     As the final day approached, I said to him, "Do I want you to leave, NO, but I am NOT going to stop you if this is truly what you want;  However, I will wear my ring today, and if you are wearing yours' when I get home, I will take it as a sign of hope, if not, then I will know for sure it is over for good...but I will always love you in my heart forever..."
     So, no real surprise, I arrived home from work and he was NOT wearing his ring.  A feeling of cold numbness ran through my veins.  Another part of me died that day... I left him this note:
     "Ok, you gave me no sign, I've poured out my heart, gave you every possible chance to change your mind, yet you still turn down my love (and sex)-so I guess I've said everything I want to say, and still you want to walk away from everything you love-because of me...that hurts, but I won't waste anymore of your time, or my breath on you.  You are FREE to go do anything you choose;  It just won't include me.  Like I said before, I love you too much to just be your friend -it will be easier that way...I'm sorry it has to be that way -it just does...I can't help you mourne over me.  If your not going to be a part of my life-I have to go live mine..."

Who, What, When, Where and Why?

     Just to keep myself in check, and because one sees better in retrospect,  I will stay a little behind real time in my story.  This way no one gets their feelings hurt in the heat of the moment.  Also, like any
good TV show or "reality show" the end has already been filmed long before you or I know the
outcome!  In this case I'll know;  But you'll have to wait and see, like your favorite soap opera!
     I probably need to give you a little more background info leading up to doomsday...
Starting from early in the year I had been under a lot of stress at work.  Everyone was on my ass and
I had a lot to prove;  Which I later did, but it wasn't easy.  At home, I thought everything was ok. 
Everything seemed pretty normal.  What I didn't know was that my husband was becoming emotionally
involved with someone else!  Yep, you heard me right!  I had sat night after night listening to his BS
about work, hours and hours about martial arts and God knows what else.  Then I noticed he wasn't listening to me though.  Then I really got a clue when he stopped calling me on his lunch break, but
would call me or text me right after!  At home he was so nice!  He would bring me coffee, make me
breakfeast, cut me roses from our garden, etc.  I was so confused...My husband was acting like a
"Stepford" husband!  Now I'm sure yor're wondering that all important question, "were we still having sex?" , and the answer is Yes;  But it was somewhat disconnectesd and not as frequent.
     Finally, over a game of Scrabble, I asked him about "her".  He told me everything, like a weight off his shoulders... I felt dead inside, like a zombie, I couldn't even cry...I had devoted my life to him, and
on that day he killed my love for him...:(

The Beginning of the End...

     Ok -To be perfectly honest my online flirtations started innocently way back in January;
long before my husband and I were officially broken up.  I was feeling lost, bored and unloved.
I started to obsess about this guy/boy at work. He was only 22 (not 27 btw, different guy)!, but
God he was Hot!  However, he knew it, and so did everyone else.  He was the quiet, mysterious,
bad boy type. (Tatoo's and all!)  When I saw him at work all we would say was "hi".  I "friended"
him and we had some pretty innocent flirtation primarily on my part.  He even "unfriended" me
once due to the fact I called some girl he had slept with a slut;  But I was probably just jealous it
wasn't me!  We" refriended" on my part again, but later I " unfriended" him, when he got "in a relationship".  I am happy for him and hope everything works out.
     I am thankful for the experience and do not regret it.  He was the first person to help me through
the end of my marriage, simply by always replying to me.  That simple,  he made me feel...
not alone...

Introduction to my new crazy life as a single woman in the 21th century...

     What I'm about to tell you is highly confidential and private information.  If you choose to read this you will be a voyer into my life..
       I am going to give you some background info first.  I have now been single/ seperated from my
husband for 54 days.  I have been married for 15yrs and with him a little over a year before that.  I
can honestly tell you that during that time I was never with another person sexually.  Now, only less
than two months later I have been with two people and am having an ongoing sexting relationship
with a 3rd person, who is 15yrs younger than me! Yeah, WOW, I know right! I feel the same way
as you-crazy I know...
      So, let me say, I have a lot to tell you. I have also learned so much about myself and men over these past two months.  Almost like a social experiment.  The guys I mentioned are 27, 35, and 40! Plus I messaged and texted several other guys from online dating sites.  
      I will tell you how I met each of these guys, how it is going and where it leads to; Caus God knows right now I am as clueless as you are as to what will happen next!
      Time will tell...Tune in soon...:) CC