"Control"- The Word of the Day...

     On Tuesday morning before work I sent a message to Steven saying, "You can "control" me anytime, I think I liked it-gotta go to work.."  He messaged me back, "Have a great day at work".  It was enough to make me have a good day!  It probably wasn't the smartest move on my behalf, but I don't really do things that make any sense lately.  I'm now playing the wait and see game again!
     After talking to my "friend" Anna Louise , she pointed out the fact that I was NEVER in control-he had me at "hello"!  I was butter in his hands, and had been played like a fiddle and all those cliche's.  I know I let this happen, my choice, my decision, but I'm not thinking straight, remember?  He knows how vulnerable I am right now- it's so not fair to torture me like this...he's not even my type.
     Steven is the cookie cutout of the definition of a "player".  His picture could be posted next to the definition of the word!  If I were to make him "love me", I could write a bestseller- "How to tame a player"!  Haha-Fat chance of that happening!  So for now, the game continues...Hey, he should be happy-it's not like I wanna run off and marry him- I'm still legally married-remember?  Oh well, WTF...

About Last Night - Stevens' Follow Up...

     I had the most manic day at work yet.  I made a bad mistake.  I was feeling sentimental and put in Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits on the way, "This Ones For You" to be exact.  As I pulled into the parking lot I had to dab my watery eyes.  What was I thinking?  However, I pulled myself together, caus' that's what I do!  Ok, the real reason for my melancholy mood was that I had successfully pushed yet another guy away, one that I might really like.  Dammit.  I was pushy, agressive and a bitch.  I think I ended the message with "see ya around sometime, maybe."  I knew that I had really fucked up this time.  I was playing a game, but I don't even know why.
     Anyway, the day proceeded well at first.  I put in some disco compulation CD's to enhance my mood!  I made customers smile and my girls laugh.  I asked the girls to give me three words to describe me, and several times the word "neurotic" came up, so it bacame the word of the day.  I looked it up and this is what it said, "A class of functional mental disorders involving distress, but neither dulusions or hallucinations, wherby behavior is NOT outside socially acceptable!  Also, uses ego defense mechanisms and borderline personality disorders with symptoms including anxiety, aggressiveness, sadness, depression, anger, irritability, impulsive and compulsive acts, obsession, habitual fantasizing and socio-culturally inappropiate behaviors!  WOW, I was nailed to the cross!
     I managed to make it through the day, after snapping at Goose, and holding back tears by the time I left.  When I got home, my son had just gotten picked up by his dad to spend the first night over with him and Bambi.  I had tenative plans to go out to a wine bar with friends.  I logged onto FB because I had an apology to make again.  I told Steven that I was sorry for acting so "neurotic" lately.  He messaged me back and somehow we made plans for me to come over, to have sex, or course!  I said I would get ready and see him in an hour or so...then I paniced...wow, was I really going to do this again!
     I called him on the way because I had gotten off the wrong exit.  He then asked me to pick up some pepperoni bread sticks! Ok...but whatever...sure, no prob.  When I arrived we went to the couch, ate and watched some wierd show till we started rubbing on each other.  (Oh, I forgot there was another condition-that we don't drink). We were going to have sober sex.  Which we did next.  It started on the couch, then we moved to the bedroom.  We had great sex, took a shower, came back out to the living room, watched some more TV, made cookies, cuddled and wet to bed, with the dog!  I slept good.  I went home at 10am, got ready, and went to work with a big smile...:)

Intermission...(Plus Guy Breakdown!)

     As of right now-today, I am no longer on any "dating" site.  I realized two things: 1) I don't even know how to date, and 2) I'm probably not really ready to date anyone seriously.  Anyway, I am making a lot of friends on FB, but strictly for networking purposes only, for now...
     Martin came in to visit me at work tonight, which was a nice surprise.  Steven texted me back once with his usual short answer- maybe just to appease me; I'm not sure, and Jake didn't text me back at all today.  I thought about "unfriending" him, but I couldn't do it-yet... He's the only one I cried over, twice, fought with, talked openly, felt guilty when I went to Stevens', and had wild crazy (phone) sex with!  He was the closest thing I had to a real relationaship- and I never even met him...

 Guy Breakdown:
     Guy at work:  Helped me through the end of my marriage...with a little smile! :)

     Martin:  Helped me over the hump (Haha) to get over my husband- in my bed! LOL

     Jake:  Helped me safly explore my sexuality through sexting and talking

     Steven:  Was the first person to inspire me to do what I do...to become a better person-
                    to get in touch with the person inside of me- the person that was always there-
                   the person I was;  Oh so long ago.........:) :) :)

    

Fathers Day

     Fathers Day was a busy day.  I took my son to see his dad in the morning.  We met up at a gas station for the kid exchange. (So PC, right? haha).  The only present I brought him, was that I brought our dog along to see him too!  He got me a coffee and gave me a hug and seemed excited to see me, however, he was picking our son up in Bambi's truck! Gag!!!
     Next, I was off to my moms' house to go to the airport with her, my step-dad, and my nephew.  My mom was flying her grandson back to Alabama where he lives.  The drive to the airport and the drop off went well.  I rode in the back of the silver Mustang convertible with my nephew.  We play talked and laughed until of course he fell asleep.
     After the airport, my step-dad and I were off to the private club for "Fathers Day Dinner".  We were not even there for an hour before my phone rang, and my son wanted to come back from his dads' place, (I mean Bambi's-LOL).  I told his dad to drop him off at the club.  He called me back on the way and asked if he could stop in too, and if I wanted to buy him a Fathers Day drink! (I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me!")  I was nice though, since it was Fathers Day;  I told him I thought it would be awkward!!!  He seemed disappointed...Whatever!  Your my ex, not my BFF!
     Earlier in the day, at some point, I texted Josh to wish HIM a Happy Fathers Day.  Later in the evening, back at home, he texted me back.  I needed to blow off some steam, so you probably don't need to be a genius to figure out where this headed! Haha...So the long stressful day cumulated with some super hot text sex with my 27 year old texting boyfriend!  Unfortunately, it would be the last time..........:(

Party at Bunnis' House!

     The following night, following my rebound, rebound hook up, I was attending a party at my friend Bunnis' house.  When I arrived there was food and drinks flowing, and an array of fun people present.  I was on the back porch drinking, talking and laughing with friends when I got a text from Josh, which surprised me because I thought we were done, totally, with the whole thing.  After a few texts I asked him if I could call him.  I had never actually talked to him!  I went through the garage on my way outside.  I stopped to tell a teenage girl how nervous I was to actually talk to a guy that I had been texting with for weeks! 
     My hand slightly shook as I pressed call on his number.  I didn't know what to expect.  He answered in his strong Southern accent.  It took me several minutes of listening to comfortably understand him! Then it was like talking to an old friend!  We talked about everything, our lives, our kids, our families, and ourselves.  Then I hopped in my car and got comfy.  Things turned sexual! He got me pretty hot!!!
     After his happy ending! Haha..we went back to talking about life.  He was in the middle of a super crazy, interesting story from before he was sober, and my phone died!  I ran in the house and checked my bag-I forgot my charger!  I franticly asked for a cellphone!  Finally I just logged onto a computer and told him "my phone went dead" and he said "I figured so", and then we said "goodnight".  Then I resumed to the party!  Finally!!!  I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy!  Haha!

Online Flirting/ Martin's Follow-Up

     Ok, this one's pretty funny!  Everytime I check my e-mail this dating site keeps popping up;  So finally I'm like, "What the hell!" I had already canceled my cougar site, and was pretty bored with the other one.  So, I took a few minutes and filled out the profile, etc.  A little while later I got an e-mail that someone had checked out my profile.  So, I clicked on it, and it was a guy who looked just like Martin.  I looked closer and holy shit, it was him!  I clicked "flirt" and he messaged me.  I messaged him back jokingly saying "You Look Hot, and we should hook up, Oh yeah, we already did that- Haha!"  I think he called me that night or the next day or whatever.  On Friday night he called me from out somewhere at a bar.  He was kinda upset because he had seen his ex together with a friend of his.  He asked me if he could stop over to "hang out".  I said "sure". 
     Martin arrived about 11pm.  We hung out on the back porch and talked and laughed.  It wasn't long before he started to kiss me and touch me playfully.  A while later I said that I would walk him to his truck, however we never quite made it there.  I would give you the details, but it wold sound like a cheesy Penthouse letter!  Let's just say it wasn't in my bed again, and it wasn't even in my house! OMG! 
     Anyway, to tell you the truth I kinda felt like I owed the guy one.  I had used him, and tonight I let him use me! (and I was totally cool with it!)  I did eventually walk him the rest of the way to his truck and said "Goodnight".  But you know what?  I kinda felt like a guy- and I felt nothing, it was purely sex!  But I had to know for sure...right???

Finally...My Vacation!

     Several days later I finally made it to my vacation.  I had thought it would never come...I had tried so hard to hold off my breakdown until now, but as you now know, I was unsuccessful at that.  It's hard to schedule a nervous breakdown!  (Even for the strongest and most controling people!) 
     I went to my moms' house for five days to chill out and relax.  My nephew was there for a court ordered visit with his grandmother, my mom.  We bonded and had lots of family fun!
      On Tuesday though, I had to attend a work seminar in Orlando.  I text Josh several times, because it had been the day we were supposed to meet.  We chatted about the things we would have done if we had gotten together!  What a bunch of BS!  I also texted Martin and we had some casual chit chat.  However, my mind was still preoccupied with Steven.  I desperately texted him several times with no response.  I had pissed him off the day before.  I had searched him on the internet and found some "private" information that I had confronted him with via text.  Not a good idea, to say the least...
     I wish I could have just pretended that I didn't know, but I couldn't. Shit.  Anyhow, I pleaded for his forgivness and found a song that reminded me of him/us and played it over and over in my car on my long ride that day.  I didn't know if he would ever talk to me again, but I wasn't ready to give up just yet.  This man intrigued me- and I just had to have more...

    

My Power Trip!

     After my night with Steven, I felt empowered.  He gave me something that I had been missing-ME!  He made me feel beautiful , sexy, and alive!  I would learn to make myself happy in more than one way!  I awoke inside with strength and courage-to live my life as me!  No more hiding behind a facade -the true raw me, that God meant me to be, was here to stay.  The fear that was there yesterday, was gone today.  My life had changed and there was no going back...
     I started to write everyday.  My brother says I should use an alter ego, but NO, this is like free therapy-and I don't feel the need to hide anymore.  This is ME- except it or change the channel.  I earned the right for freedom of speech- whatever the consequences may be- (but so far the positive feedback far outways the bad)! Goodnight...:)
    

Date.com/ Stevens' Story...

     I had started to get bored of boys...they wanted no real connection, just a game, a fantasy- so wierd, so interesting!  What has become of our world?...no sense of reality...
     So, I decided to move on, a little...to a real dating site, one that promised the most love connections on the net!  However, the first thing I did was "wink" at a guy that I had seen on the cougar website.  He was 35, had worked in California for a long time and was from Pennsylvania.  So, I thought, humm...ok, maby?;  But he only sent me a message asking me when he could come over and give me a full body massage!  Please!!! That's all you got!  I messaged him back telling him "I love massages, but I find this a little forward".  I didn't hear back from him!
     Next, I found another 35 year old guy I recognized from the other site too.  I "winked" at him and he "winked" back.  We had some playfully agressive messages and I gave him my number to text me.  He asked me when we could "meet".  I said "later in the week".  He texted me the next day to check in when our "date" would be.  I said Wednesday was the earliest I could, and he said, "Wednesday it is".  Humm, now what?  Opps, I did it again...
     Wednesday came and I got prepared in the morning, and went to work.  I was still in heavy texting with Josh at this time, and I started to feel guilty;  Which is absolutly crazy!  I did not hear from Steven until the afternoon, and I tried to get out of it, but I couldn't resist.  He was too mysterious, too interesting!  He taunted me, and I caved into his request.  I  would go, but I was scared shitless!
     I did not talk to him on the phone until I got home from work.  He had a deep, sexy voice.  Not at all what I expected.  He sounded so mature for 35.  He asked me how many "dates" I had been on.  I said, "none, this would be my first".  He probably ate that up.  I was like a sheep to the wolf!
     When I arrived, I think he liked what he saw.  We talked, he made me drinks, and showed me around his house.  He kissed me, and he knew he had me.  I knew that I was his latest conquest and yet I was powerless in his presence.  He took me to his room and made love to me.  We later watched TV and cuddled, he made me some food, made love again, and went to bed.  He gave me the whole "boyfriend experience"!  How could I complain, it was just what I needed...
     I left early in the morning, for I had to work that day.  I went home and texted Josh, like I said I was feeling kind of guilty...(FYI, I made three texts from his house that night, two to friends checking in on me to see if "I was still alive"- Haha, and one to Josh to tell him that I was thinking about him).  I know...

The Day After..."My Breakdown/Meltdown at Work"

     The phone rang and woke me.  I didn't get to it in time though, however I started to panic;  What time was it?  What the hell happened last night!  (and why was I home and not in jail!)  I couldn't even understand, but I thanked God!  Luckly I still had another car, because mine was on the side of the road somewhere! 
     I made it to work, but it wasn't easy.  I checked my message on the way.  It was Martin, who had checked on me, and called to say he was glad that I didn't get arrested last night.  Me too!  I appreciated his concern.
     At work it wasn't long before I started to break down.  I felt as if I was going to faint.  Someone simply asked me how I was and I started to cry.  I went outside, then came back in.  Not much later the scenerio replayed.  This time  I sat down.  Anna Louise fanned me and gave me a granola bar, my manager brought me a bottle of water and an apple, and the girls gathered around me.  I went back outside and sobbed hard.  I couldn't do this anymore.  Katie came out to check on me.  I had her bring me my purse and I called my manager and told her I was going to take my lunch break now.
     As soon as I got in the car I called my mom- and said "mommie", and cried, and told her everything.  She made me feel ok, and that she understood.  She was compassionate and loving and not judgemental at all.  Next, I called Goose and told her to please meet me at my house ASAP.  I need her to drive me to go find my car!  I couldn't even think clearly, and we drove all around because I told her the wrong street.  Just when we were ready to give up, there it was!  I told Goose I wasn't going back to work that day.  She convienced me that I could make it.  I had serious reservations though!  I was about ready to take a leave of absence.   Just then, Anna Louise texted me, "Are you on your way back?",  I answered, "On the way now".
     I went back.  I don't even know how I made it till 7pm, but everyone seemed understanding due to my relationship circumstances, (and they didn't even know the details of the night before).  A little while before I left work, Martin called to check in on me.  We talked, and I told him I would call him back when I got home, which I did.  He is now under the impression that I am a crazy party animal!  (Which is so not the true case).  I just happen to be at a crazy point in my life!  A turing point...This was my rock bottom and now there was no where to go but back up!

"Last Friday Night" My Almost Arrest Story!!!

     Ok, I continued to try to make it one day at a time at work, waiting for my vacation and school to get out, which could not come soon enough.  I focused hard on work.  No one even knew at this point that anything was wrong, but I was heading for a major meltdown.  I tried hard to put it off till vacation, but no such luck!
     I gathered up a flock and headed out to a local dive bar! ( I actually called Martin on the way).  I convienced "T" to go and had her be my winggirl for the night! Haha!  We had a few glasses of wine at my place before heading out.  When we arrived, we drank a few beers, chatted with friends and new acquaintances.  (I even texted Josh from the bathroom to let him know I was thinking about him!)  All was going well, untill I ordered on of those blue drinks that some of my friends were having.  It was so good, that I ordered one more before closing.  Turned out they were Blue Long Island Ice Teas!
     Everyone started to disperse...I told my friends "I'm fine", and when the bar closed I headed to my car to go home-alone.  I was almost home when suddenly from behind me red & blue lights started to flash. I thought "Oh my God, I'm going to jail!"  I carefully pulled over and the officer asked me for my ID.  I gave it to him and he disappeared for a few minutes into the night. (It was about 1:15am).  He returned calmly and never asked me to get out of the car or anything like that!  He only asked me if there was someone I could call.  Wow! I grabbed my phone, and who of all people did I dial, Martin!  He answered and I started to talk and what do you know- my phone went dead...Jesus Christ! Fuckin A! 
-But you know what?  The cop said he would give me a ride home! What?  I asked where to move my car to, and he said "leave it right there".  I walked to the police car and went to get in the front and he said "sorry mamm-you'll have to ride in the back".  I said "Oh, I'm sorry".  When I got in the car I started to sob, telling the officer how my husband left me for Bambi!  We arrived at my house and I fell in my stone driveway in my heels. I was sobbing loudly now.  He walked me to the door and put me inside.  I cried hard-finally.  I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, but I grabbed the shower curtain and it ripped to the ground as I fell on the floor. I then went to my room and ripped my clothes off, and fell into bed.  I had hit MY rock bottom...

Cougar Life...

     After my rebound one night stand I was looking for something, but I wasn't sure what.  My husband was five years younger than me, and I wasn't really ready to date, but I was lonly and needed attention.  Where would I turn?  I didn't want to become a cheap whore;  I had already slept with one guy!  So, one lonly, boring night, I signed up online, on a website for "cougars"!  What was I thinking?  Had I gone crazy!
     I "flirted" with a few guys, and sent and received a few messages.  One nice guy was in the Navy in the Bahamas.  We talked about meeting when he came to Florida, but it never panned out.  Next, I found a super hot young guy who was 25, whom I called "Bizzle".  He reminded me a little of Eminem.  We messaged on the site, then instant messaged-(which he explained to me how to do), and texted, or sexted!  It was my first time, and last time with him.  Oh well, bye bye Bizzle...
     My next guy was the real deal though;  A cute country guy. He was 27 and a single dad.  We texted about a lot of stuff, plus had the hottest text sex possible through a phone! (pics and all- my favorite being a picture he sent to me in only his cowboy hat!)
     This lasted weeks.  We talked about meeting, but never did.  (He lived about three hours away).  We finally talked on the phone one night for hours, till my phone went dead.  I had real feelings for him, which is crazy because I never even met him.  We "broke up" because he got a real live girlfriend.  I cried my eyes out.  Why?  I don't know...I guess it was kinda silly of me...

My husbands' Breakdown...:(

     God, what a frikin' day! My husband texted me at 4:52am!  He didn't go to work again...He called me at 8am sobbing uncontrolably-I could barly understand him.  I tried to talk to him, and I was finally able to cry...The man I had fell in love with at first sight, had left me for another woman, and he was upset with ME for being with someone else!  The man I took an oath to God to love me through good times and bad, till death do us part- had stomped on my heart and broke it into a million pieces, was now telling me I should have stopped him from walking out the door! WTF!!!
     He had spent weeks telling me how we were just friends, drinking buddies, that he loved me, but was not "in love with me";  And on top of that spent time telling me about another woman he had developed feelings for, and yet I still tried to show him, and tell him how I felt, but NO, that wasn't good enough!
He said that he would have "taken better late than never";  But he didn't.  What was I to do?  What would you do?  I was jealous, I was in pain, I was sad, I was angry, I was depressed, and yet I tried to spill my guts onto paper, but to no avail...He had convienced me that he had already made up his mind.  If I had begged him nothing would have changed, and he would have continued to blame ME for his loneliness and unhappiness.  I truly thought we were pretty normal and happy- WOW, was I wrong!  Yes, he had been tring to tell me he wasn't happy, but what was I doing that was so wrong?  I tried my best, I begged for love and tenderness in bed.  I wanted to feel special, important;  But I didn't.  So I started staying up late again to avoid it all together.  I didn't have the strength to try to do it all by myself.  He was slowly slipping away from me, but I could not stop it.  I was too weak by then;  My soul was too sad to summon the courage to say STOP!
     Anyway, he called and texted me several more times that day.  We just went round and round, neither of us able to see eye to eye.  I didn't even have a glass of wine that night, but I did need to run out for more smokes again.  Another sleepless night- what's gonna happen tomorrow...